Confessional

Oh damn. So I guess I am leaving this up… Colour me terrified.

This is the year wherein I try to remember how to be a human being again. Rather than just a worker bee…

Don’t get me wrong – I love my work. I love the people, the wines, the land and I am particularly proud of what I have accomplished thus far. But, somewhere along the way, I managed to convince myself that my work is my world, and that I am happiest alone, with a glass of something great in hand.

But a glass rapidly becomes a bottle, and knocking off a bottle solo most nights becomes the norm. Solo being the key word. And I may well continue to do so some nights. But this year?

This year, I would like to remember where I put my life.

Acting as a reference for me, a friend  (I later discovered) told prospective employers the following:
“She is perfect for the role. And she will work above and beyond for you. You will just need to make sure she takes some time off. Because she will work every hour of the day if there is work to be done.”

The nearly four years I worked for this friend I took one day off for a funeral. He may have had a point. He also told me earlier this year that I was turning out to be a much better version of me with my current career and lifestyle choices. So, yay me. I think.

Except for now. I realised when I went to the gym on the 27th, they were the first people I had seen – apart from vague figures in the beach – since the 23rd.

And here I am with no plans for the next four days.

My social network is a little spread out. In the last twelve years, I have lived in Perth, Margaret River, Sydney, Brisbane and Adelaide. And making friends in new cities does not get any easier. I am probably a wee bit more shy than most of you would suspect. I get nervous going out. I hang at the edges, generally. Yeah – that’s  me, sitting to the side, probably playing with my phone.

It just seems like such an effort these days, and I wasn’t even good at this at school. Work is different. I am expected, people know why I am there. There is a purpose. That is just my role, and is relatively easily played. Socially? Different story.

And a few of you know that I have a raft of medical issues, including a debilitating nerve disorder which comes out of nowhere, and cannot be treated, only eased with copious quantities of opiates. And – at risk of sounding like I am complaining – it doesn’t make navigating the social world any easier when it hits out of the blue whilst trying to make small talk.

But I don’t care any more. I want to go out, see music, watch plays and meet people. All people. At risk of kissing of few frogs, (not literally!) I am putting myself back out into the world, and leaving my isolated little enclave, just to make some new connections. Not every day. But some. I cannot continue to rely on twitter and Facebook to be my social world. And I occasionally forget that there are real people at the other end of those avatars and handles.

So maybe a reminder from you lot would be helpful. Tell me to go home when I am clearly working too late. Join me for a drink when plans fall through in a random city. Remind me to be human again.

So, this is me. Dipping a toe into the world.

As my ex left on the 23rd, he asked me what I would do to be different this year. And so this is it. Still working as hard as I can to get the best possible outcome for my business. Still drinking, tweeting and ranting against the stupidity of the world. Still being me, on my high horse. Just going out to meet a little bit more of the world.

Maybe I will meet up with you…

So thanks to the group I had a few random drinks with a couple of nights ago on the veranda of a pub in Clare. Thanks for wanting to get to know me, telling me about yourselves, and inviting me over any time I might need a quick kip during vintage. Thanks for making me want to venture out a bit more.

So, self -absorbed introspection over. I promise. The rants shall return shortly…

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6 comments on “Confessional

  1. thevinsomniac says:

    I like this post. The 14th word of the first sentence is at it’s core: human.

    We all are. I’d say leave it out there. As a reminder, as a guide to do these things, to tell you to go home when you’re still there late.

    Just my opinion.

  2. Kiwi and Koala says:

    Will look you up next time in Clare Valley.

  3. irene says:

    Brava on you for being brave to leave this post up.

    Wow – did this sound ever so familiar to me as I read this – so many points echo for me. I, too, finally feel that I am ready to get back to to the world again. I actually view Twitter and other message boards as a way of having kept up social skills and it has been a way of “putting oneself out there” – sometimes great conversations, and some friendships developing into IRL (in real life) ones, and other times, no interaction – but it teaches you to brush it off and move on.

    Wishing you well on your return to humanity and also to stay safe with all those fires about (have friends in Clare with a burnt hill). I would happily send some rain and cooler temperatures from Canada.

    • Thanks, Irene.

      I think it is worth getting back out, and thanks to social media for making the dipping of toes back into the world that bit easier.

      Good luck with it – there really is nothing to be scared of out there, is there?

      Luckily our Clare vineyards are further north – no damage. But I have friends who were less fortunate, and with more fires raging around the country today, we all have our fingers and toes crossed at this stage.

      Cheers!
      k

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